New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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