do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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