I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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