just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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