Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
