Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
