Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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