I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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