Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
