when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize