I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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