Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
