I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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