I think I died a long time ago.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
