when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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