my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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