mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
