i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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