I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
