Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
