Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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