college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have fence marks all over my body
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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