Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
