Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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