What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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