every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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