I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
