So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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