If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
