every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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