you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
