i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
