she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
