i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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