He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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