Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
