This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
