So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
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my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I did not marry a roomba.
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