i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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