Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my being single is dangerous.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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