i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
