Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
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Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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