My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
