"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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