I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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