mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize