Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
