Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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