I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
