Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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