i just google imaged poop.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
