I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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