Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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