so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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