....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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