Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
