So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
